Tuesday, November 21, 2006

24

It's been over 24 hours since Buster disappeared. Stomach in knots and wishing I had a valium to calm my nerves. This shit has been going on since he got here. Not running away, but the back story. The way he deflated in Cincinnati last summer when he was with his mom. The shit he's starting to piece together about his mothers ability and or desire to be a parent at all. It's painful shit, but at least she's consistent. I've had custody of him since he was two years old and I've done the best I could through the years. I'm his biggest fan and strongest advocate for a kid that just wants to be away from both his mother and myself.

To my dismay, my mind has chosen this time to attack all psyche weaknesses and prey on self doubt. I can't tell you how it feels to have 3 out of your 4 kids NOT want to talk to you. . . in person or on the phone. Good, now let me kick myself while I'm down. All I want is to do is show them how much I love them. Talk to them, laugh with them and be a part of their lives. Fuck, who and I kidding. At that age I saw my Dad twice a year. . . and that was probably too much for me at that time. Ahhhh perfect, now lets squeeze the balls of the past and try and make me feel even crappier.

Nope, not gonna happen. Need to get a grip. Can't afford to tailspin out of control into an all out tizzy or depressed funk. I am not the bad guy here. I was doing my job as I saw it important to do. Seeing 4 F's on his report card a week ago, getting his 3 week Christmas Vacation in Cincinnati yanked for not meeting the minimal requirements of a passing grade. Gimmee a fuck'en break! I try to engage him in discussions about making positive changes in his academic approach (magnet school, home school, vocational) as well as talk to him about his mom and his feelings. There have been points where we had very full conversations about all that but most of the time he withdraws into himself; goes into his room and reads a book. Polly and I have made beautiful home for him here in LA. He is a part of a loving family who thinks the world of him and just wants to see him do well.

I am not the bad guy here. There were consequences to his behavior. At the 5 week point, he had an opportunity to turn things around. He didn't. And it's not like I was taking valuable family time away from him, he wasn't even going to see his mom. He was going to stay with his Aunt Annie and her family. Truth be told, it wasn't about going back to see family, if he had his way he would spend the whole time hanging out with his friends there. But we all knew that. Minimum effort would have got him his free 3 week vacation with friends.

Now he's run away. Teaching me a real lesson I guess. What could he possible be thinking?

Here's the picture I took to the North Hollywood Police Department yesterday morning. I filed a missing persons report. Have contacted the School Police and talked to his school Counselor. We had all met last week to discuss his grades and put in place some communication tools like daily progress reports. Once again, he wasn't digg'en it. Talked to his Aunt Annie and Cricket's boyfriend Larry. Strangely or perhaps predictably I haven't heard from Cricket. Whatever, stay focused, keep my eye on the ball. I am worried about my boy. I love him so much, if anything bad happened to him. . . . Don't go there. He'll be fine, surface and. . . . . . who fucking knows what's going to happen? Tune in tomorrow to see if he shows up or hops a freight train to Tulsa.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Tom!

Listen, I'm keeping an eye out for the kid here in Istanbul. No signs yet. In the meantime, you need to keep a sense of perspective. You are not a bad parent. Teens hate their parents and teen boys are supposed to be assholes.

You are doing the best you can. You are devoted and loving and he knows that. Buster is an angry hurting kid who just wants to be right.

Focus on what you have control over now. Talk with anyone you can and find out whatever you can. You're a clever guy. Finding him is a good way to show it.

I'm thinking about you a bunch. and I know we are all very concerned.

Much love,
Mary

your brother, your friend said...

this too shall pass...

Anonymous said...

Tom,

You are 110% correct. There is a time when they need to find the power of other persons in authority, and experience negative attention from them in oder to appreciate the guy that busts his *** to put chow on the table and keep a roof from leaking. We have all been in the same spot and it never looks different till your older and have real responsibilities of your own. When I wa a kid we had four giant pigs and lived miles out in the woods. Every morning I would climb on top of the gate (since they bit) and let em loose in the woods. At night I went out and closed the gate. At first they missed a few nights/meals and slept outside by the gate. Over time they learned to actualy come in an hour early and generaly did.

We all know where the food bin and heat are, just give it some time. Leave a note on the table and get out of the house. Go do some exploring. it will correct itself.

Tom said...

Thanks gang, for the pick me up. I just want him to come home.

Becky said...

Tom,

I am so incredibly sorry that this has happened and that I didn't know about it when we talked online.

You are a GOOD FATHER, Tom, and as stupid a move as this is on Busters part, you know that you have raised a smart kid (though he's been a real bonehead lately....) He's smart enough to know that he needs to come home, but in the meantime he likely wants to show you how pissed off he is. We've got all eyes looking for him here in Seattle, but I have confidence that he will return home soon.

Please know that you have friends who care for both you and Buster dearly and will do anything we can to help. Both of you are in my prayers, Tom. Please don't hesitate to call if there is anything that we can do.

All my love,
Becky