Buster as a baby

Photo Credit: Steve Weinstein

Thinking about my kids

Happy 30th Birthday John Buster Frank

Today marks my oldest son John's 30th birthday.  I wish he wanted to have a relationship with me as I miss and love him very much.  It's been many years since he's wanted to be a part of my life.

Communication is a two way street and and much as I would like for him to be in my life, it's out of my control. Years of therapy have helped me come to terms with the estrangement of all of 4 of my kids.  While I am trying to be at peace with who I am, what my values are and what I believe I can bring to the table, it doesn't really soften the blow of knowing that he wants nothing to do with me.

People are always telling me that my kids will come around and that things will change, I have my doubts. With each passing year I continue to hold out hope that this might be true.

I have so much love in my heart for all of my kids.  I'm a decent person and would love nothing more than to bring them back into the fold, but that's out of my control.  To quote Bonnie Raitt "I can't make you love me, if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't." It's been many years since I've felt like a victim. I've owned up to my own personal flaws and mistakes I've made in marriage and divorce.  What are you going to do?  Time passes, years go by and yet this doesn't change.

I love you son, more than you will ever know.  You've got my number, email address, Skype, FaceTime, and other ways to reach me, I wish you would. Happy birthday wherever you are.  I hope you are doing well, that you are happy and healthy and are enjoying your journey.  These are strange times we are in right now. Nothing would make me happier than to hear from you.  I love you.

The years I spent as a loving father are among the most treasured memories to me.  It feels like a lifetime ago but is always close to my heart.

Filling my heart with love. Missing all of my kids.

I miss my kids

     Divorce can be cruel, ugly and some downright fucked up shit. My heart breaks that I haven't had a relationship with my 4 kids in 13 years.  I don't know why I still care.  Again and again they have let me know, in a variety of ways that they want nothing to do  me.  Why do I still hold out hope?  How stupid am I? How did things even get this way?  I have tried through the years to convey my interest in rebuilding a relationship with my children John Frank (Buster), Max Frank, Hope Frank & Liam Frank. I just want to hug them and tell them how much I love them and miss them.

     The photo is of my son Max. He turned 23 years old earlier this month.  I tried to reach out to him, again and ask him if he wanted or needed anything for his birthday.  I had no expectation of his getting back to me and he didn't.  At times there has been minimal communication with these young adults, but in the end it always seem to dissolve into nothing. There are fathers out there that want nothing to do with their kids. That has never been me.  Before, during and after my two marriages and divorces, I wanted kids, I still want my kids, and just wish they wanted me in their life.  The holidays are rough each year.  I have offered to pay for flights to have them come down here to visit, or I'd be happy to visit them in Auburn, WA. anytime.

For the last few years, I've seen a therapist on and off, trying to deal with this stuff.  Sometimes I feel like it's helped, other times not so much.  Holidays are hard.  I hardly feel like celebrating any of them.  What could I be doing different?  Perhaps, just leave them alone.  I think 2020 might just be the year to not try and contact them.  Let them be.  It's painful to think about them, it's painful not to.  I just wish things were different.  I have no control in the matter.  It's up to them.

A visit with my boy

What can I say, I love this kid; have since before he was born. My first born. 20 years old and living in Seattle, he's clearly on his own journey. Reminds me so much of myself at that age. Dropped out of high school, got his GED, moved away, with ideas of changing the world. We spent 4 days and 3 nights getting to know each other again. I asked him what he wanted to do while he was in town, we started by visiting a used bookstore where he picked up a book on the Kabbalah. It's interesting to watch as he discovers who he is. I feel bad for the way my divorces went down and how they effected my kids, but in the end they will all have to come to terms with who they are and who their parents are as people and as human beings.

We went to see a "Furthur" concert at the Greek Theater. With Bob Weir and Phil Lesh (original members of The Grateful Dead) celebrating the music of the Dead. It was great to share that night of music with Buster. The band was HOT and the set list off the hook. My heart so full of love and my son so tall and handsome. Life is complicated with it's twists and turns. Searching for answers and humbled by life's journey. It's all part of the experience. To revel in joy is to understand pain.

Looking Forward

Trying to get it together, again. . still, whatever. Trying to figure it out. Started this year with a batch of lofty goals and working daily to align my values with my daily activities. Am I working towards to the dreams and aspirations that I hold so dear. . . I hope so.

I’m exercising and eating right, for the most part. I’m proud of the physical transformation that I achieved last year. Looking and feeling good does wonders for the soul.

My heart breaks daily with regard to my kids, but I can only control my thoughts and actions, not theirs. Months pass without a word. This was the first Christmas that I did not send presents to them. I sent Hope a beautiful neckless for her birthday last June, haven’t heard from her since. Never even let me know if she got it. I sent Max some birthday presents in November, no word from him. Communication is a two way street. I’m tired of calling endlessly, leaving many voice mail messages for them and not hearing back. I wanted to see them while I was up in Seattle, request coldly denied.

When trying to figure out whether or not to be upset, I often ask myself; is my life any different today than it was a week, month or year ago? Sadly it isn’t, and I move forward with love in my heart and a smile on my face. I will always be here for my children, maybe someday I will be able to share the love I feel for them. . . with them.

So, I move forward into a new year, full of possibilities.

Polly and I are as solid a couple as I know. Between her, the cats, my friends and family; I feel loved and appreciated. That ain’t all bad. Life is good and going to get better if I have anything to say about it.

Looking forward

Fuck Me

What the fuck do I know

I know frustration and pain and longing

I know that there are children in this world with my DNA

But I don't know them

I'm tired of trying to call them and not getting to talk to them

I'm tired of sending birthday and Christmas presents and not getting

as much as an acknowledgement

who knows if they got them? I don't.

Communication is a two way street

We live in an age of email, text messaging, skype, web cams and I can't get the time of day

from my own children.

What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?

I was there when it mattered, now they don't even remember me.

This is the year that I truly let them go

Ball is in their court, if their mother doesn't take it away.

In my "Out Box"

Dear Max,

What’s going on my man!? Long time no hear or see. What’s going on in your life these days. I sure do miss you and would love to hear your voice on the phone, get a letter from you or even see you. . . If you would like that. It’s been so long, I probably wouldn’t even recognize you. You might not recognize me either, over the last few months of going to the gym every morning, I’ve lost 20 pounds and now have more muscles than ever before. Go figure, your old man is turning into a health nut. Funny thing is, I still eat as much as I want, I just make better choices in what I decide to throw down my throat. I’m on a high protein, low carb diet. I eat a lot of meat, veggies, yogurt and fruit. No more Pepsi, potato chips or cookies. I replaced those with push ups, sit ups and lifting weights. I’d love to take you to the gym and show you around.

How do you like being back in the Seattle area? Do you miss your friends in Ellensburg? I sure miss you. How is your new school and teachers? What classes are you taking this year? Which ones are your favorites? When I think about you and all the changes that you've had to deal with over the last few years, I think about my own childhood, the divorce of my parents, moving to a new city, changing houses and schools, my mom remarrying. I know it can be a lot to process. If you ever want to talk. . . I am ALWAYS here for you. Call me anytime of the day or night and I will be happy to hear from you. My number is 323.683.5844, my Emil address is tfrank8176@mac.com.

I love you so much and think about you every day. I think about the day when we will be reunited, we’ll have so much to catch up on. Call me, write me or just think about me. I love you son.

With fond memories

Dad

This old chair

This old chair that I’m sitting in, has seen better days. An old upholstered Lazy Boy that I bought used 15 years ago. Banished to the garage, we’ve set up a make shift cigar lounge and satellite office for me out here.

With Polly’s wi-fi laptop and my standing brass cigar ashtray I noodle away the afternoon.

Smoke rises from my mouth and I remember many a happy times sitting in this chair with my kids. They were my snacking buddies, always happy to help dad with his chips and dip as we watched a football game, or the Teletubbies or a movie.

To get rid of this chair, would be to get rid of a part of my life. I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet.

I think about them all the time. I just don’t torture myself anymore.

I wish Moira would send the kids down here for the summer, or a part of it. . . but that will never happen now.

When I left Seattle and ended the fight, she got everything she was asking for. Little or no contact with me and my kids, and if there was any, it would be for 5 hours under court ordered supervision.

Kids need their Dad, maybe she will understand that; or Maybe Dom is their Dad at this point.

Sad state of affairs and little I can do to appease a psycho control freak.

Other things on my mind

I've been talking to my first ex-wife Cricket about Buster lately. Things not so good there with bizarre family issues mounting into anger on her and her family's end. Buster has been living at Cricket's mom's house, feeding her whole family the "poor me" riff, and portraying Cricket and me as the worst parents in history. Evidently they're buying it and trying to get temporary custody of him. Cricket will fight it to a point, but we all know, in the end; Buster will have to start making grown up decisions very soon about his future. He will be 17 next month and he's not been in school since moving there. He won't talk to me on the phone and I worry about him. I worry about where his head is at. When he left here, he agreed to see someone to help him work through some of this stuff. To this date, he has not.

I wish he would talk to me.

On a lighter note I did talk to Hope and Liam on Sunday. They sounded good, full of life and youthful energy. Hope had all sorts of questions about Polly. For Christmas Polly had knitted Max, Hope & Liam winter hats with pom poms in the top, ear covers and tie strings. Sounds like the kids liked them.

I think about my kids all the time, however; I have stopped the self loathing. Things are what they are, I have a lot to offer as a parent; maybe someday I'll get to show them. In the desire to move on and end the fight, I put down my sword turned around and walked away. She got everything she wanted. Total control of the kids granting me supervised visitations for only at few hours at her discretion and only after a hair follicle test and a graft of my left testical . They live in Washington State, I live here. . . and no. . of course she wouldn't let them visit me for any amount of time. I'd put three plane tickets on my credit card in a minute to have them for spring break.

It feels good to write these words and not get bummed out. I think that's growth. I have a great life! Polly and I are going on a year at the end of this month. I feel really good inside.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace

olam haba, originally uploaded by nice+smooth ultramedia.

The inside of my brain

Is a dark place. The walls close in a little every day. Confusion mounts and my inner voice isn’t always on my side. But like a wave of cosmic fresh air Polly Lucke breathes new life into me everyday. She, who admittedly, “Thinks I’m OK” is a God send and a blessing. For those of you keeping score at home, we are still very much in love and have pledged to not let the weight of these unfortunate circumstances fuck our relationship up.

Nobody knows better than us the quality of care, concern, love and discipline we were providing in our household. Nobody loves this kid more than me. While I guess I would never win father of the year, ANYONE who knows me and has spent any time with me knows how I feel about my kids and the quality of the care I provide.

On the other hand, there’s a extraordinary amount of legal documentation arguing quite the opposite. His underhanded lowliness of jumping on that bandwagon was a stroke of evil genius. He must get that from his mom’s side, or perhaps just Moira’s influence over the years. Touché, an obvious weakness that he is continuing to exploit.

So, which is it? Am I the abusive, crazed, drug addicted monster that has driven him to run away and threaten suicide or is this a fucked up teenager who needs some help and will do and say anything to get his way, which I guess is blowing off another year of school and not coming back here.

It’s a new week. Time for a fresh perspective and some short term goals. I am a good person, I have a lot to offer and I’M A GOOD DAD. Just ask any of my kids that won’t talk to me.

From bad to worse

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. It started with me taking Buster to school to talk to his school counselor before first bell. We were out of the house by 7:00AM. I dropped him off, told him I loved him and sent him on his way.

By 9:30AM I was getting a call from a guy from the County, Child & Family Services, saying that I needed to come in to deal with the allegations of child abuse and endangerment. It was as if Buster had summoned the soulless spirit of my ex wife Moira. He knew all the buzz words and how to get them all excited about my pot use.

Now the same ugly process has been started here in California. Both the Child Abuse Investigator and a Therapist that we have been talking to asked why not let him go to Cincinnati. I told them, as I saw it, that I thought that this would teach him that whenever he wasn't happy, he could threaten to kill himself to get his way.

Against my better judgement and with great pain he will be leaving today. We had him booked on a 11:00AM flight that was cancelled due to bad weather in the midwest. I'll take him to LAX again tonight to see if he can fly out on an 11:00PM flt.

I let him know last night, that there was NOTHING that he could do from preventing me from loving him fully and unconditionally. I told him that my door and my heart will always remain open to him.

Pain, confusion, tears and fears.

He told the shrink and the investigator that his Aunt Annie had said that he could live there. She did not extend this offer. She said that he could visit for Christmas. So, here is yet another year of school flushed down the toilet for him.

I wish there was something I could say to him other than goodbye.

We were home from the airport by 10AM. Nothing was said on the way to or from the airport. We got home, I asked him if he was hungry, he said yes; I made him eggs, bacon & toast. Not a word was said as we ate.

This is killing me.

Why do I feel like I'm a shitty person and a horrible dad? I swear to God, I've tried to do my best for all my kids.

Where did it all go wrong?

What's going to happen to him and why can't I help?

Buster is back • Happy Thanksgiving

24

It's been over 24 hours since Buster disappeared. Stomach in knots and wishing I had a valium to calm my nerves. This shit has been going on since he got here. Not running away, but the back story. The way he deflated in Cincinnati last summer when he was with his mom. The shit he's starting to piece together about his mothers ability and or desire to be a parent at all. It's painful shit, but at least she's consistent. I've had custody of him since he was two years old and I've done the best I could through the years. I'm his biggest fan and strongest advocate for a kid that just wants to be away from both his mother and myself.

To my dismay, my mind has chosen this time to attack all psyche weaknesses and prey on self doubt. I can't tell you how it feels to have 3 out of your 4 kids NOT want to talk to you. . . in person or on the phone. Good, now let me kick myself while I'm down. All I want is to do is show them how much I love them. Talk to them, laugh with them and be a part of their lives. Fuck, who and I kidding. At that age I saw my Dad twice a year. . . and that was probably too much for me at that time. Ahhhh perfect, now lets squeeze the balls of the past and try and make me feel even crappier.

Nope, not gonna happen. Need to get a grip. Can't afford to tailspin out of control into an all out tizzy or depressed funk. I am not the bad guy here. I was doing my job as I saw it important to do. Seeing 4 F's on his report card a week ago, getting his 3 week Christmas Vacation in Cincinnati yanked for not meeting the minimal requirements of a passing grade. Gimmee a fuck'en break! I try to engage him in discussions about making positive changes in his academic approach (magnet school, home school, vocational) as well as talk to him about his mom and his feelings. There have been points where we had very full conversations about all that but most of the time he withdraws into himself; goes into his room and reads a book. Polly and I have made beautiful home for him here in LA. He is a part of a loving family who thinks the world of him and just wants to see him do well.

I am not the bad guy here. There were consequences to his behavior. At the 5 week point, he had an opportunity to turn things around. He didn't. And it's not like I was taking valuable family time away from him, he wasn't even going to see his mom. He was going to stay with his Aunt Annie and her family. Truth be told, it wasn't about going back to see family, if he had his way he would spend the whole time hanging out with his friends there. But we all knew that. Minimum effort would have got him his free 3 week vacation with friends.

Now he's run away. Teaching me a real lesson I guess. What could he possible be thinking?

Here's the picture I took to the North Hollywood Police Department yesterday morning. I filed a missing persons report. Have contacted the School Police and talked to his school Counselor. We had all met last week to discuss his grades and put in place some communication tools like daily progress reports. Once again, he wasn't digg'en it. Talked to his Aunt Annie and Cricket's boyfriend Larry. Strangely or perhaps predictably I haven't heard from Cricket. Whatever, stay focused, keep my eye on the ball. I am worried about my boy. I love him so much, if anything bad happened to him. . . . Don't go there. He'll be fine, surface and. . . . . . who fucking knows what's going to happen? Tune in tomorrow to see if he shows up or hops a freight train to Tulsa.

To freak or not to freakout. . . that is the question

Eye twitching uneasiness as the afternoon rolls on. Buster is either skipping school or run away. I'm not freaking out, just worried. Polly left at 6AM and I checked in on him then. He appeared to be sleeping. I went back to bed for an hour and was puzzled why I didn't hear him getting ready for school. I checked his bed, but he was not there. His pillows were under the covers and made to look like him sleeping. My heart stopped, like he had vanished. It took me a moment to figure out what was going on. I looked around the house and couldn't find him anywhere. The cell phone was on the back lawn near the fire pit. That's odd. I checked the last number dialed was a Cincinnati number at 1:17AM Pacific Time. So, he left somewhere between 1:17 and 6:00AM. Where. . . who knows? Why?. . . I've got a pretty good idea.

The last words he said to me last night were "Fuck you, I hate you more than anyone else in the world". Now I sit here questioning my own parenting results. My poor son is getting so lost in a delusion that he can live with someone besides me; his reasoning has been skewed. There are rules, expectations and consequences and trust me, he ain't diggen'em. So here we go, the antics of a depressed teenager.

I flashed back to my own 16th year on this planet. It wasn't a happy memory to recall, but timely. I was a very independent and financially self sufficient teenager. I bought my own car at 16 and was performing 6 days a week at Kings Island Amusemant Park in my hometown of Cincinnati. I was making $300 a week for doing 6 twenty minute shows a day, this was back in 1982 with no expenses except pot and gas. Good bread for a punk. My mom must have made some comment and I decided to disappear for a couple of weeks. It was fun, me and this chick bounced around from friends house to friends house. It was in the summer, I worked everyday, just didn't go home. I was a total fuck to a mother who couldn't discipline worth a damn. There were no rules and I still broke them all. Where is my boy? I hope he shows up this afternoon or evening.

I can hear my mom saying to me, "I only hope I live long enough to see your kids as teenagers. . . and I hope that they are all as bad as you were". Well, I guess she would have liked this.

In my "Out Box" • Snail Mail

Dear Max,

I want to wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Now that you are 10 years old, you are no longer a single digit kid. Now you’re a double digit young man!! Welcome to the next exciting phase in your life!

How is school? Are you keeping an eye on Hope and Liam? I’m sure you are as good a big brother as you always were. Please give everyone a BIG hug and tell them that I love and miss them.

It sure would be nice if you could come and visit me during your Christmas Break or Summer Vacation. If you ever want to do this and it’s OK with your mom, let me know and I will book you a plane ticket to California. I really think you would like it here! The sun shines almost all of the time and it hardly ever gets cold. I love being near the ocean. Remember how much fun we would have at my house at Alki Beach?

I wish you would talk to me when I call. It hurts my feelings when you don’t want to talk to me. If you’re mad at me for moving, or for anything; we need to talk about it. I am still your dad and I still love you and miss you even though we don’t live near each other.

Maybe, if you don’t want to talk on the phone, you could write me a letter, draw me a picture or send me an e-mail. I would love to hear from you!

Please write, here is the address:

Tom & John Frank
6430 Charlesworth Ave.
N. Hollywood, CA 91606

or e-mail me at tfrank8176@mac.com

Did you have a good time for Halloween? Get a bunch of candy? I hope you all had a great time.

Well son, I love you and miss you. I hope you like the Birthday presents.


With more love than you can imagine


Dad

Kids

I can't get around it, I miss my kids. Hell, I miss the kid that lives in the same house. Not sure where he went, but hope to see him again someday. He's here. . . but he's not. Emotionally vacant, real shame but largely out of my control. God grand me the serenity. . .

I used to love to take my little kids trick or treating. In three days my son Max will turn 10 years old. "Big double digits", as my dad would say. Max won't talk to me on the phone. I don't know what to get for his birthday. I call every week but haven't talked to him for months. He is becoming a stranger to me. I thought about writing a story for him, with him as the central character.

It would be nice if Moira would send me a picture of the kids in their costumes. Why do I do this to myself? Stop it right now! Life is good, later this afternoon I'll hit a bucket of balls and take a hike. Tonight I'll work the Promenade and see if I can't perform some tricks, for some treats

Hope, Max & Liam • X-Mas 2004

Talked to Hope and Liam last night. Max still doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. Liam, Hope & I had a good laugh about Halloween which is coming up in a couple of weeks. It did my heart good to hear them laugh. They sounded happy, I'm glad.

John • The son formerly known as Buster

Polly and I picked up John at the Airport Saturday afternoon. From there we took him Venice Beach, then home for a nice steak dinner. I think he likes his room and after a period of adjusting to a new city, I'm sure he's going to find his new life here is LA a satisfactory experience.



Today we went into Hollywood, checked out the Sunday Farmers Market then went and saw



View Trailer for Idlewood • Click Here

at the Cinerama Dome at the ArcLight Cinemas





Polly made us another nice dinner tonight. It was a good weekend. We are so happy to have John here with us. He'll start school next week and have a whole new routine to get into. It's really great seeing him again. I love my boy.

Liam Price Frank turns 5 years old today

Happy Birthday Son, I wish I could be there to celebrate your birthday with you. Maybe someday you will understand how much I love you, miss you and never could have imagined the hateful course of events that prevents me from seeing you.

Tears flow freely from my eyes
I've stopped asking why
with a sigh
I said good-bye

I thought I fought
a noble fight
I tried to do
what was right
I held on with all my might

The fight was killing me
I hope someday you'll see
that you will always be. . .

a part of me.

I miss you.