Friday, December 01, 2006

From bad to worse

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. It started with me taking Buster to school to talk to his school counselor before first bell. We were out of the house by 7:00AM. I dropped him off, told him I loved him and sent him on his way.

By 9:30AM I was getting a call from a guy from the County, Child & Family Services, saying that I needed to come in to deal with the allegations of child abuse and endangerment. It was as if Buster had summoned the soulless spirit of my ex wife Moira. He knew all the buzz words and how to get them all excited about my pot use.

Now the same ugly process has been started here in California. Both the Child Abuse Investigator and a Therapist that we have been talking to asked why not let him go to Cincinnati. I told them, as I saw it, that I thought that this would teach him that whenever he wasn't happy, he could threaten to kill himself to get his way.

Against my better judgement and with great pain he will be leaving today. We had him booked on a 11:00AM flight that was cancelled due to bad weather in the midwest. I'll take him to LAX again tonight to see if he can fly out on an 11:00PM flt.

I let him know last night, that there was NOTHING that he could do from preventing me from loving him fully and unconditionally. I told him that my door and my heart will always remain open to him.

Pain, confusion, tears and fears.

He told the shrink and the investigator that his Aunt Annie had said that he could live there. She did not extend this offer. She said that he could visit for Christmas. So, here is yet another year of school flushed down the toilet for him.

I wish there was something I could say to him other than goodbye.

We were home from the airport by 10AM. Nothing was said on the way to or from the airport. We got home, I asked him if he was hungry, he said yes; I made him eggs, bacon & toast. Not a word was said as we ate.

This is killing me.

Why do I feel like I'm a shitty person and a horrible dad? I swear to God, I've tried to do my best for all my kids.

Where did it all go wrong?

What's going to happen to him and why can't I help?


Timmy Jimmy said...

Sometimes, as much as it hurts you gotta let em go... See Luke 15:11-32 The prodigal son.
Love, you bro

Anonymous said...

Let go and let God...This too shall pass...It's all a gift! Look at the things that keep popping up and take a real good look at why. And then do something about it. Come visit me for Chanukah in the Holyland, the Holy City of Jerusalem, It will do your spirit well...

Brit Boy said...

Love him Tom Like you always have and will. He is confused and young...not a great condition but certainly not a new one either. Perhaps allowing him to find out for himself that you truly are there for him isn't a terrible thing. It's hard for us to listen to our Dad's as young men. We want to be in control of our lives even when we really aren't.
Love you man

Nikki said...

Tom, I tried to explain to him... the situation from my perspective, I guess that it didn't help. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. Basically what I told him is that, number one, you were extremly worried when he was missing, that there was nothing you wanted more than to have him home and safe. Secondly, I told him that going to Cincinnati was a prevalige (sp?) not a right, and I thought he got that, we had a long conversation about it. I feel horrible that I couldn't do more. Seems that's the way things are going these days.