Just need to start, don’t think, just write. Lots of things to write about. . .. so. . fucking start already.
Last night an exercise in uselessness. Just couldn’t seem to make the money appear. Plenty of people, plenty of shows. . . not a lot of cash. On the front lines of the economy, I’m feeling the pinch. Couldn’t sell a deck to save my life. Then that feeling set in where I start to turn on myself and my audience. The shit that comes out of my mouth, I can’t take back. I dismissed several audiences last night. I told them it was for good behavior, but that was far from the truth. Actually that’s not what I said to them. In one show in particular, there were several attempts to get the audience to lighten up a little. I’m looking for smiles, looks of wonderment, or maybe even a little applause if they like something. . . not too much to ask or demand. . . I think. I looked at my audience and thought how emotionally bankrupt they all looked. Like they were sitting at home, emotionless staring at the TV. I did the Mental Deck Pitch and quickly dismissed them, apologizing for the lack of love I was feeling from them. For whatever reason, this is when things get real interesting. Not one person moved, it was nuts. I had to clarify and said, “You guys don’t seem to understand, I was auditioning for an enthusiastic audience and you guys didn’t get the part. . . . but thanks for playing.”
Then the evening goes from bad to worse. While I’m performing the linking rings, I break one. I didn’t even notice, but a guy behind me pointed it out and laughed as he yelled, “You broke it!” I didn’t know what he was talking about until I noticed my key ring was hanging in the left land, but wait a minute. . . I have it in my right hand. In an instant I had a strangely existential moment that made me chuckle. Luckily, this was near the end of the routine. I quickly surmised in my mind that there was no way to do the chain of 5 effectively, so I had to end the act without the final display. Linking rings shouldn’t break, I’m just saying.
The most frustrating thing about the evening was the huge crowd there and it being a Friday night. I stuck it out till the end, but it just never came together.
On nights like this, sometimes I feel like a stiff drink. Last night I felt like going to the gym. Is that crazy or what. I texted Polly and she said if I came home, she would walk with me. Sold! Beautiful night, beautiful girl and some epic kissing, for the books.
Life is good whether I come home with a bunch of money or not. Ebb and flow. I’m so lucky and blessed.