Thursday, October 16, 2008

Looking for inspiration. . .

Stream of conscience, like taking a nice shit. Letting everything out, without editing (as if I ever edited). Ha! I’ll say it again HA! Beautiful, hot days, sun shinning and blue skies without even the thought of clouds.

A bit sore from the gym, but feeling GREAT! Aaron and I had an interesting conversation at lunch, about the mind body connection. I told him that my body feels better than it ever has. I continue to loose weight, build muscle and exhibit extraordinary discipline in getting it done. My mind on the other hand, seems perfectly content to remain stagnant. My body argues with my mind, telling it to step it up and join the program. My mind tells my body, that it doesn’t really exist and that all concerns should be directed to the brain. Danny Sylvester told me once that creativity is a muscle, that needs to be exercised to be effective. So, as I evaluate my life and where I am as a magician, I ask myself why don’t I look at my art the same way I did when it was a hobby. Having done the same act for so many years, I ask myself why I don’t learn more? Confused by the rationalizing bullshit I spew in heated internal dialog, I look for inspiration.

I am surrounded by exceptionally creative and talented peers. I talk regularly with Danny Sylvester, Chris Karney and Aaron Fisher. They all tinker endlessly searching for new ideas in their heads. I used to do this. I haven’t in a long time. Feeling beaten down, over the years, with the roller coaster of successes and failures, I can’t help but wonder. . . what's next?

I used to have lots of ideas, I wanted to open a magic shop, I did that for over a decade, I wanted to open a toy store, I did that too. I wanted to go to China and manufacture some magic props, did it. In fact, I did all three of those simultaneously. I wanted to be a comedy club entertainer and corporate magician, spent years doing that. So, what’s the next chapter? Where will I pull my inspiration from.

I like working the streets, and the freedom it provides. It’s pure and real, just me and my audience. It works and I make money or it doesn’t and I come home frustrated. But artistically it’s not that fulfilling, it’s more of a job.

So, what’s next? In order to book myself in more fulfilling venues, I need to start looking at my promo or lack of promo. Do I want to play that game? I’ve had effective promo pieces in the past and was pretty good at the telemarketing aspect of booking gigs. I just can’t help wondering, given the current global financial situation if this is a good time to be trying to book work in industries that must be (across the board) trying to minimize the bottom line.

Who knows. . . who cares? I do. Funny way of showing it. I struggle with the vacuum that sucks my head straight up my ass. I will say, that since starting at the gym, at least the position is more comfortable. I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my time since my divorce 4 years ago, with my head lodged firmly in my tush. Time to wipe the shit off my grin and explore what it is that I want out of my life.

I’ve got a lot of love to give the world and magic has always been the means to that end. Time to start thinking, time to start doing.

Life is to short to wallow in unhappiness. Not that, that’s what I’ve been doing, but I do spend a lot of my time obsessing about my kids and the lack of a relationship I have with them. I call them, occasionally I write to them, I send them gifts on their birthdays and Christmas. Bla Bla Bla. Some things are out of my control and I have to accept that and move on. Why is that so hard? Is it holding me back, or is that some sort of half baked excuse?

Guess time will tell. In the meantime, I’m going to try and continue improving my life, my dreams and I feel confident that all things will eventually be revealed.

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