My therapist has recommended that journaling may help my frame of mind. In a nut shell, one of my oldest and dearest friends was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's disease. He's 57 years old and has twin three year olds. We've been talking almost daily for an hour a day for the last 6 months. At times I feel a crushing sense of sadness, other times I feel depressed, angry and confused. I love my pal, really a soul brother and someone who I shared a house with for a couple years back in 1986, & 1987.
In most likelihood there is no happy ending to this story. His father died of Alzheimer's by the time he was 62 years old. I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to do. In our daily talks, he has good days and bad days. Some days his brain seems to be working ok, other days things are way off. His long term memory seems fairly intact, while his short term memory is shot. We spend a great deal of time on tasks that most of us take for granted. Again and again I've helped him navigate his iPhone. How to check a voicemail message, or a text or email. How to use Waze. . . . again.
My heart is breaking, but there is no limit to my love. Am I really going to have to watch my friend slowly slip away and die? I wish there was something I could do. He lives almost 400 miles away from me, so there is only so much I can help him with on the phone. I've visited him twice in the last 6 months.
What do I think? How do I feel. I feel like if I ever didn't know who my wife was, or who I was, that would be the place I want get off the bus. Recently I tried to have a very grown up discussion with him about assisted suicide. Better to have this conversation with him while he can still understand it. . . I thought. I got no real indication as to whether it was making any sense to him at all, what I was saying.
I feel things deeply, deeper than most people as my father has reminded me over the decades. It is true. I am unashamed to love this man as much as I do, or anyone for that matter. My emotions are what they are, and the situation clearly sucks. I've dealt with death in my life, more than my fair share, as well as two divorces and the estrangement of my 4 kids. I am no stranger to pain and anger. This is so sad, to watch a disease begin to eat my friends' brain like a zombi.
I'm struggling, I have to accept the fact that I will watch my dear friend slowly loose his mind and die. I don't know how to do that. The feelings are so strong and the tears, so many. I will contine to try and help him as much as I can, for as long as I can.
In most likelihood there is no happy ending to this story. His father died of Alzheimer's by the time he was 62 years old. I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to do. In our daily talks, he has good days and bad days. Some days his brain seems to be working ok, other days things are way off. His long term memory seems fairly intact, while his short term memory is shot. We spend a great deal of time on tasks that most of us take for granted. Again and again I've helped him navigate his iPhone. How to check a voicemail message, or a text or email. How to use Waze. . . . again.
My heart is breaking, but there is no limit to my love. Am I really going to have to watch my friend slowly slip away and die? I wish there was something I could do. He lives almost 400 miles away from me, so there is only so much I can help him with on the phone. I've visited him twice in the last 6 months.
What do I think? How do I feel. I feel like if I ever didn't know who my wife was, or who I was, that would be the place I want get off the bus. Recently I tried to have a very grown up discussion with him about assisted suicide. Better to have this conversation with him while he can still understand it. . . I thought. I got no real indication as to whether it was making any sense to him at all, what I was saying.
I feel things deeply, deeper than most people as my father has reminded me over the decades. It is true. I am unashamed to love this man as much as I do, or anyone for that matter. My emotions are what they are, and the situation clearly sucks. I've dealt with death in my life, more than my fair share, as well as two divorces and the estrangement of my 4 kids. I am no stranger to pain and anger. This is so sad, to watch a disease begin to eat my friends' brain like a zombi.
I'm struggling, I have to accept the fact that I will watch my dear friend slowly loose his mind and die. I don't know how to do that. The feelings are so strong and the tears, so many. I will contine to try and help him as much as I can, for as long as I can.
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