Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Feeling Low
Spent the morning trying to help my friend. Trying to figure out how his PayPal account disappeared. Best we can guess, is that when he authorized someone to remotely access his computer for the purpose of helping him, that he got hacked. His PayPal account was cleaned out and the account closed. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with PayPal and merging the call with my friend. PayPal says they have no history of his account that he used for 20 years. What a crock of shit. I'm beside myself. PayPal said that when an account is closed all history of that account is deleted.
It's a cruel world. Dog eat dog. It's fucked up. PayPal can't do a damn thing about it? Seriously!?
Trying to manage my anger and disappointment. Need to change my mood, going to work as a Bartending Magician in the Hat & Hare Pub at The Magic Castle this evening and need to change gears.
I'm trying to except that I have to watch my friend loose his mind and die. How do I make any sense out of any of it. He talks about his frustration and anger, feelings of uselessness and desire to be dead. This is heavy fucking shit. I love him so deeply and our friendship goes back to teenage years. I can only help him as much as I can. This bothers me greatly. Today I thought when I was authorized to discuss his account on his behalf (no easy task) with PayPal that we were making progress. Then to have that door shut in our face is troubling. How much worse can this guys life get? I guess we're going to fine out.
It's a cruel world. Dog eat dog. It's fucked up. PayPal can't do a damn thing about it? Seriously!?
Trying to manage my anger and disappointment. Need to change my mood, going to work as a Bartending Magician in the Hat & Hare Pub at The Magic Castle this evening and need to change gears.
I'm trying to except that I have to watch my friend loose his mind and die. How do I make any sense out of any of it. He talks about his frustration and anger, feelings of uselessness and desire to be dead. This is heavy fucking shit. I love him so deeply and our friendship goes back to teenage years. I can only help him as much as I can. This bothers me greatly. Today I thought when I was authorized to discuss his account on his behalf (no easy task) with PayPal that we were making progress. Then to have that door shut in our face is troubling. How much worse can this guys life get? I guess we're going to fine out.
Gravity • John Mayer
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh, gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me (how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where keep me where the light is (oh, oh)
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh, gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me (how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where keep me where the light is (oh, oh)
Struggling
My therapist has recommended that journaling may help my frame of mind. In a nut shell, one of my oldest and dearest friends was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's disease. He's 57 years old and has twin three year olds. We've been talking almost daily for an hour a day for the last 6 months. At times I feel a crushing sense of sadness, other times I feel depressed, angry and confused. I love my pal, really a soul brother and someone who I shared a house with for a couple years back in 1986, & 1987.
In most likelihood there is no happy ending to this story. His father died of Alzheimer's by the time he was 62 years old. I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to do. In our daily talks, he has good days and bad days. Some days his brain seems to be working ok, other days things are way off. His long term memory seems fairly intact, while his short term memory is shot. We spend a great deal of time on tasks that most of us take for granted. Again and again I've helped him navigate his iPhone. How to check a voicemail message, or a text or email. How to use Waze. . . . again.
My heart is breaking, but there is no limit to my love. Am I really going to have to watch my friend slowly slip away and die? I wish there was something I could do. He lives almost 400 miles away from me, so there is only so much I can help him with on the phone. I've visited him twice in the last 6 months.
What do I think? How do I feel. I feel like if I ever didn't know who my wife was, or who I was, that would be the place I want get off the bus. Recently I tried to have a very grown up discussion with him about assisted suicide. Better to have this conversation with him while he can still understand it. . . I thought. I got no real indication as to whether it was making any sense to him at all, what I was saying.
I feel things deeply, deeper than most people as my father has reminded me over the decades. It is true. I am unashamed to love this man as much as I do, or anyone for that matter. My emotions are what they are, and the situation clearly sucks. I've dealt with death in my life, more than my fair share, as well as two divorces and the estrangement of my 4 kids. I am no stranger to pain and anger. This is so sad, to watch a disease begin to eat my friends' brain like a zombi.
I'm struggling, I have to accept the fact that I will watch my dear friend slowly loose his mind and die. I don't know how to do that. The feelings are so strong and the tears, so many. I will contine to try and help him as much as I can, for as long as I can.
In most likelihood there is no happy ending to this story. His father died of Alzheimer's by the time he was 62 years old. I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to do. In our daily talks, he has good days and bad days. Some days his brain seems to be working ok, other days things are way off. His long term memory seems fairly intact, while his short term memory is shot. We spend a great deal of time on tasks that most of us take for granted. Again and again I've helped him navigate his iPhone. How to check a voicemail message, or a text or email. How to use Waze. . . . again.
My heart is breaking, but there is no limit to my love. Am I really going to have to watch my friend slowly slip away and die? I wish there was something I could do. He lives almost 400 miles away from me, so there is only so much I can help him with on the phone. I've visited him twice in the last 6 months.
What do I think? How do I feel. I feel like if I ever didn't know who my wife was, or who I was, that would be the place I want get off the bus. Recently I tried to have a very grown up discussion with him about assisted suicide. Better to have this conversation with him while he can still understand it. . . I thought. I got no real indication as to whether it was making any sense to him at all, what I was saying.
I feel things deeply, deeper than most people as my father has reminded me over the decades. It is true. I am unashamed to love this man as much as I do, or anyone for that matter. My emotions are what they are, and the situation clearly sucks. I've dealt with death in my life, more than my fair share, as well as two divorces and the estrangement of my 4 kids. I am no stranger to pain and anger. This is so sad, to watch a disease begin to eat my friends' brain like a zombi.
I'm struggling, I have to accept the fact that I will watch my dear friend slowly loose his mind and die. I don't know how to do that. The feelings are so strong and the tears, so many. I will contine to try and help him as much as I can, for as long as I can.
Monday, November 18, 2019
November in California • 84 degrees Blue Skies & Sunny
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| Shot on iPhone 7+ Long Exposure |
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| Leo Carrillo State Beach Malibu, California |
Hennessy Black Gig
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Hey Tom,
I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for working so hard to create and incredible show for our clients and guests last Tuesday! It was so wonderful to finally have the chance to work with you. You absolutely killed it. Our clients are extremely pleased with your performance and how you were able to seamlessly incorporate Hennessy Black. Overall, the event was a huge success and everyone is extremely happy.
All the best,
Krista Pershinsky
Event Manager Quintessentially |
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Photo Credit: Bill Kennedy |
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