Friday, December 01, 2006

From bad to worse

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. It started with me taking Buster to school to talk to his school counselor before first bell. We were out of the house by 7:00AM. I dropped him off, told him I loved him and sent him on his way.

By 9:30AM I was getting a call from a guy from the County, Child & Family Services, saying that I needed to come in to deal with the allegations of child abuse and endangerment. It was as if Buster had summoned the soulless spirit of my ex wife Moira. He knew all the buzz words and how to get them all excited about my pot use.

Now the same ugly process has been started here in California. Both the Child Abuse Investigator and a Therapist that we have been talking to asked why not let him go to Cincinnati. I told them, as I saw it, that I thought that this would teach him that whenever he wasn't happy, he could threaten to kill himself to get his way.

Against my better judgement and with great pain he will be leaving today. We had him booked on a 11:00AM flight that was cancelled due to bad weather in the midwest. I'll take him to LAX again tonight to see if he can fly out on an 11:00PM flt.

I let him know last night, that there was NOTHING that he could do from preventing me from loving him fully and unconditionally. I told him that my door and my heart will always remain open to him.

Pain, confusion, tears and fears.

He told the shrink and the investigator that his Aunt Annie had said that he could live there. She did not extend this offer. She said that he could visit for Christmas. So, here is yet another year of school flushed down the toilet for him.

I wish there was something I could say to him other than goodbye.

We were home from the airport by 10AM. Nothing was said on the way to or from the airport. We got home, I asked him if he was hungry, he said yes; I made him eggs, bacon & toast. Not a word was said as we ate.

This is killing me.

Why do I feel like I'm a shitty person and a horrible dad? I swear to God, I've tried to do my best for all my kids.

Where did it all go wrong?

What's going to happen to him and why can't I help?

Thursday, November 30, 2006


Where did you go my happy son

I used to push you on the swing and take naps with you.

I fed you and stayed up at night with you

I sang to you and loved you. . .

And believe it or not, you used to love me

and come to work with me

You were on the road with me as a 3 year old performing in Comedy Clubs

I potty trained you on the road, in a van with a kiddie potty and no mommy

You demo'ed in my stores and street performed

I didn't know any other 9 year olds who could make $100 in a day at festival

We did homework together every night, even though we didn't like it

Where did you go my happy son

To hear it from you, somehow I have beaten, even the desire to live out of your, fucking deranged, teenage mind. Today you told me that if I didn't let you live with your Aunt Annie and her family, that you were going to kill yourself. Then you assured me that you were telling it, like it is.

Tears flow out of my eyes and my stomache wretches, as I absorb the pain that is searing deep within my heart. I believe with all my heart and soul that the best place for you is, in my care. Call me old school, but I wonder if skull cracking isn't a better way to discipline. I've been soft shoeing around you since you got here over 3 months ago.

I pray for clarity of mind and more compassion than the day before. More compassion backed with unconditional love. Patience and more compassion.

You didn't want to move to LA and now you are refusing to participate in your own life, unless it involves your death.


I will love you and show you the way. I will never give up on you.

I love you

Monday, November 27, 2006

Dai Vernon • Cups and Balls

A troubled mind finds aching hearts


Things spiral out of control at home and tension fills the air. Buster, trapped in his depression, so much so, that he can't even think it, let alone see a way out. Polly and I had a talk with him this evening, it did not go well. So much confusion, so much compassion. I wish he would let me in.

This is real life, this is my life. This is not easy. I am up to the task and have more love in my heart and more patience than he could possibly dream. I can't say that I know what I'm doing, but what I do know is; I'm doing the best that I can.

A day at the races

I did something neat yesterday, went to a magic session at the Race Track. Hollywood Park is without a doubt the nicest horse track I've ever seen. Aye Jaye had assembled a nifty little mix of eccentrics to enjoy an afternoon of magic, friendship and of course, horse racing. It was Aye Jaye, Carl Ballantine, Arthur Trace, Danny Sylvester and myself.

It was a real treat meeting Carl Ballantine. I was very appreciative to Aye Jaye for setting up the meeting. I've always been a big Ballantine fan. He cracks me up. It was a pleasure chatting with him about his long illustrious career in show business. We had an interesting discussion about the state of magic, and the entertainment industry.

Two characters out of a story, I was in heaven taking in all the sites, sounds and smells of the track. We bet on the races, won some lost some. . . easy come. . . easy go. Arthur (a recent FISM winner) is here from Chicago working the Castle for a couple of weeks. He showed us some nifty sandwich moves and some other things he's been working on. He's staying with Aye Jaye while he's in town. I look forward to seeing his FISM Act in the Palace this week. Should be fun.

It's always great seeing my soul brother Danny Sylvester. He showed Arthur his Sylvester Swivel an original card move as well as his Sylvester Pitch with silver dollars. The boys were geek'en out pretty good as I chatted with Ballantine and ran to the window to place another bet. I asked Danny what was going on in his life, he told me about a recent gig near Vegas as well as an upcoming gig in China. He and his girlfriend just got back from Ohio, where they celebrated Thanksgiving with Dan's family.

When comedy goes wrong

The apology

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Venice Beach. . . a real freak fest. . .

I don't know what to say about this guy. He's famous. . . probably the most famous street performer to ever work Venice Beach. I remember him from 20 years ago. . . and he's still here. . . amazing. He cruises up and down the strip playing his fender strat-o-caster. Whatever. . . I think he's cool. Venice is a totally laid back pitch. I'm really digg'en the scene. One dollar at a time I'll get my rent paid AND make the world a better place. It's the least I can do.

Here's a kid who when I started my cups and ball routine, said, "I can do that trick". I let him and he did a great job. He did the Vernon routine right out of the book. Really quite amazing when I later thought about it, I tipped him a few bucks. It takes a lot of guts to perform under pressure on the spot.

The sun set ant the end of the day. I feel so lucky to be able to appreciate such simple beauty day after day. I put my shit in the car, lit a cigar and walked out to the waves to feel them crash at my feet. So this is winter in LA. . . I'll take it. After Venice and sundown I drove a short distance and worked Santa Monica for another couple of hours.