Trying to get it together, again. . still, whatever. Trying to figure it out. Started this year with a batch of lofty goals and working daily to align my values with my daily activities. Am I working towards to the dreams and aspirations that I hold so dear. . . I hope so.
I’m exercising and eating right, for the most part. I’m proud of the physical transformation that I achieved last year. Looking and feeling good does wonders for the soul.
My heart breaks daily with regard to my kids, but I can only control my thoughts and actions, not theirs. Months pass without a word. This was the first Christmas that I did not send presents to them. I sent Hope a beautiful neckless for her birthday last June, haven’t heard from her since. Never even let me know if she got it. I sent Max some birthday presents in November, no word from him. Communication is a two way street. I’m tired of calling endlessly, leaving many voice mail messages for them and not hearing back. I wanted to see them while I was up in Seattle, request coldly denied.
When trying to figure out whether or not to be upset, I often ask myself; is my life any different today than it was a week, month or year ago? Sadly it isn’t, and I move forward with love in my heart and a smile on my face. I will always be here for my children, maybe someday I will be able to share the love I feel for them. . . with them.
So, I move forward into a new year, full of possibilities.
Polly and I are as solid a couple as I know. Between her, the cats, my friends and family; I feel loved and appreciated. That ain’t all bad. Life is good and going to get better if I have anything to say about it.
Looking forward
4 comments:
My friend, do not stop giving of yourself. If you feel like giving your children a gift, do so. Whether they acknowledge the receival of it or not. You keep taking the high road! Perhaps the ex took them and never let them know about them. Perhaps she sold them and used the money as a part payment for back child support. Probably not... I keep waiting for my phone to ring, for friends to call and invite me out to play, but alas, it never happens... so, If I want to see them, I again pick up the phone, give a shout out and find they are busy living life but would be happy to get together, so we do. If I get bitter and keep score.. like, I called them and now it's their turn... we all lose out, so I swallow my pride and call again and see them. Life is short, at any moment it's gone. Keep on keepin on!
Take the high road.
And remember, many of us love you!
every day is a new beginning! every moment a new opportunity to grow and change in to the vehicle of G-d's manifestation of you...Don't Quit, SURRENDER!
You're still up to this, are you? You know that when your biggest kid saw "I feel like slitting my fucking wrist" written on your blog at age 12, he flunked out of school in order to move out and be with you. Now, I know you often talk about love this and smile that, but you really need to own up to your own misgivings. maybe that would help you move on. Do you have any idea how selfish an act it is to let your child of 12 years actually visualize the dad he looked up to as a god, slitting his wrist, night after night, until he wanted nothing more than to do the same. I'm so tired of this shit. "Oh, I can't talk to ANY of my kids" You used to write that shit on your blog when your oldest child lived with you, and why did he live with you? He felt an obligation, because he had to save his dad from the knife he held at his wrist. I get it though. You're just going to throw yourself a big pity party, day after day, year after year, never really making any growth. "I can't talk to ANY of my kids. Smile on my face, love in my heart, maybe one day I can share..." And then everyone in depressing blogger world chimes in going "Awww, boo hoo. you have so much love. You care so much." But I was there, and it wasn't the drugs or the drinking that hurt, it was the alienation from the very person I went to save that killed me inside. It wasn't the drinking that hurt me, it was the fact that you would get shit-faced, and proceed to drive home everytime you drank. It wasn't the drugs, it was the fact that you couldn't go without them. Have you ever thought that maybe your drug use has kept you from fully accepting all the tragedy in your life? You would get so caught up in everything else, I was left feeling forgotten. Slowly I grew to hate the man I went to save. How blind-sighted and narrow minded he was. I'm done proving my worth to you and my mom. The ball's in your court, Mister. Don't think I'll be willing to build a relationship with you before you purge yourself of your hate. I know you say you're over it, but from where I stand, it's just the same old song and dance.
Yes everything is my fault Buster, sorry to have fucked you up so bad. Glad your doing so well on your own.
I'm not the same guy as I was 7 years ago after getting my heart ripped out. I don't drink or drug like that anymore; and I am trying, still trying to get my life together.
I would very much like to have you in my life, but you've spent the last 4 years telling me to fuck off. Demanding and expecting money from me is not the way to reestablish a relationship.
I will always be here for you, maybe someday you'll understand that when you grow up.
PS no pity party here, I'm living my life, doing the best that I can. . . . . are you?
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